I suppose there's no point in pretending that I'm working right now.

What I am doing is reading an amazing story in Willamette Week (Portland Ore's alternative newsweekly) about Tonya Harding-10 Years Later.

To recap...Tonya's Boyfriend, Jeff Gillooly recruited a friend, Shawn Eckhardt to bang up figure skating rival Nancy Kerrigan, thereby improving the chances for Harding.

Tonya herself is just depressing, however Gillooly and Eckhardt rock.

Asked about the thwacking, (Gillooly) says Americans just don't understand the skating world.

"Figure skating was a very political sport," he explains. "That was our way of trying to level the playing field."

"There was never supposed to be an assault," he continues. "Originally it was just supposed to be a death threat."

and the sidekick...

As the owner of World Bodyguard Services, Eckardt boasted of private investigation work in Costa Rica, demolishing Peruvian pipelines and guarding celebrities. In reality, the 28-year-old drove a '76 Mercury, lived at his parents' house in Lents, and collected Star Trek videos.

The artist formerly known as Eckardt no longer exists--because he changed his name to Brian Sean Griffith.

State records list Griffith as the owner of Applied Information Systems Inc. (www.appliedinfosys.com), a network company whose motto is "Imagineering the future."

The company's suite turns out to be a third-floor walkup in a seedy Gresham apartment complex. When WW visited, a few men were tinkering with the greasy innards of an aging Oldsmobile, a couple loaded an old mattress into a '70s Ford, and half-dressed kids ran screaming all around the place.

Though the shades were still drawn when we knocked on the door at 1 pm, it was answered by a bald, portly 37-year- old with long sideburns, clad only in green running shorts.

Are you Brian Sean Griffith? we asked.

"Yes," he replied.

Are you also Shawn Eckardt?

"Go away!" he yelled, slamming the door.